Citizen Zero is still dumbfounded over the Lebanese system’s innovative methods to manage or ‘mismanage’ the country’s affairs. Due to the Zua’ma’s unquenchable thirst for power, the following steps were taken:  

First: The Governement is expanded to include 30 Ministers, among them 7 state ministers without portfolios. Since the situation is a zero-sum game, the cake should be bigger even if it has to be cut into more and more slices.

Second: The Ministries were categorized as follows:

a   Sovereign Ministries: Ministries of Interior, Defense, Finance, Foreign Affairs and Justice.

a   Service Ministries: Ministries of Public Works, Telecommunications, Public Health, Education, Electricity and Water, Social Affairs, Labor and the Displaced.

a   Other Superfluous Ministries: Ministries of Environment, Agriculture, Industry, Economy and Trade, Information, Tourism, Culture and Administrative Development.

However, these steps remained insufficient, because the demands are constantly growing and there is less and less cake left.

At this point, Citizen Zero stepped in to suggest snap solutions to resolve the current Cabinet formation crisis. He proposes that sovereign ministries should be divided into at least 21 ministries instead of 5. The Service and Superfluous Ministries are to be divided into 25 Ministries, maintaining 9 other ‘promising’ Ministries. 

Sovereign ministries

Ministry of Interior:

Ministry of Motorcycles

Ministry of Bodyguards

Ministry of Vote-Buying Oversight

Ministry of Seatbelts

 

Ministry of Finance:

Ministry of Public Debt

Ministry of “Fixing” the Budget

Ministry of Exempting Solidere from Taxes

Ministry of the Protection of Banks’ Profits

Ministry of TVA

 

Ministry of Defense:

Ministry of Arms Licenses

Ministry of Soviet MIGs

Ministry of Iranian Weapons

Ministry of Welcoming U.S. Generals

 

Ministry of Foreign Affairs:

Ministry of Tracking Visits to Politicians by Ambassadors

Ministry of Welcoming Foreign Envoys

Ministry of Enticing Expatriates

 

Ministry of Justice:

Ministry of Jails

Ministry of Pending Verdicts

Ministry of Decades-old and Pending cases

Ministry of Amnesty for War Criminals

 

Service Ministries

Ministry of Public Health:

Ministry of Patients Waiting Outside Hospital Doors

Ministry of Drugs for Chronic Illnesses

Ministry of Exclusive Drug Agencies

 

Ministry of Social Affairs:

Ministry of Financial Aid for Religious NGOs

Ministry of Financial Aid for Political NGOs

Ministry of UNDP

 

Ministry of Telecommunications:

Ministry of Phone Tapping

Ministry of Telecom Privatization

Ministry of Illegal Telecommunications

 

Ministry of Labor:

Ministry of Arab Workers

Ministry of Foreign Workers

Ministry for the Defense of Employers’ Rights

Ministry of Multiplying Syndicates

 

Ministry of Electricity and Water:

Ministry of Power Generators

Ministry of Street Lighting

Ministry of Sewage Systems

Ministry of Contaminated Water

 

Ministry of Public Works 

Ministry of Road Accidents

Ministry of Sustained “Asphalting”

Ministry of Buttresses

 

Ministry of Education:

Ministry of Funding for Private Schools

Ministry of Teacher Transfers

Ministry of Empty Schools

 

Superfluous Ministries

Ministry of Environment

Ministry of Cement and Quarries

Ministry of “Correcting” Environmental Studies.

 

The Ministry of the Displaced can be rechristened Ministry of the Displacers.

 

Based on this simple calculation, Citizen Zero was able to ‘invent’ 46 Ministries, all sovereign and service-oriented, in addition to maintaining 9 other ‘promising’ ministries.  

Jawad Adra